This is a story of how I was able to overcome a low self esteem, and get more confidence.
Newtons 3rd Law is that to every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction: or the forces of two bodies on each other are always equal and are directed in opposite directions. Another principle
called the Unity of Opposites follows the same pattern, but takes the conclusion a step further by explaining that if the opposites were completely balanced, the result would be stasis,
but often times one of the pairs of opposites is larger, stronger or
more powerful than the other, such that over time, one of the opposed
conditions prevails over the other.
In Luke 21:12-14 both of these laws are supported. Jesus explains that there will be push-back when you go into the world to share the good news, yet that push-back will become the testimony that convinces people the good news is worth fighting for.
Luke 12:13
And it shall turn to you for a testimony. Below is my testimony. It starts out looking like Newtons 3rd law, and ends up being a story about the Unity of Opposites. As I discovered the reasons I had a low self esteem and a complete lack of confidence were the same reasons I could overcome a low self esteem and become a lot more confident.
Have you ever met someone who said they always knew they were going to be a doctor, or an actor, or a mechanic? These people know at like age 4 what they want to be in life. Well, I was not like that, the only thing I knew for sure, was that I wanted be me.
Sounds simple enough right? Well, in reality it was quite a challenge. You see, I had no idea how to do it, there were no classes on how to be Merle "Mac" Moore, and no training manual, except maybe the Bible. Psalm 119:165 says, "Those who love Your law have great peace, And nothing causes them to stumble." That made sense to me until I tried to apply it in a practical way. For example. Matthew 5:39 says, “But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.” Now God knows I am ok with walking away when my opponent is a lot bigger, and a lot tougher than me, but if someone hit me, and I thought I could take them, then it was on!
So because at this point in my life I did not know how practical the Bible was, I did what most people do, I decided to lean on my own understanding. And we all know what the Bible says about that don't we? Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Well I figured I knew how to identify what I liked and what I did not like, and that would help me figure out how to be me just fine.
I even created a two step process. Step one, I asked myself a question, and step two, I would make an inner vow about how I wanted things to be in my life. The best resource i could find for deciding how I wanted my life to be, was to identify what I did not like in other peoples life. On a practical level this sounds like it should work. That is until Newtons 3rd Law kicks into gear. For every observation, there was an equal yet opposite inner resolution. I found that instead of just taking note of what other people did, I usually judged it, and then applied that standard to myself. Now we all know what the Bible says about judging right? Matthew 7:1-3 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" I did not feel like I was judging, I felt like I was putting together a list of best practices so that I could be happy.
I would be out with friends and someone would say something that did not fit the situation, and my two part process would kick into high gear. First the question, "do you believe they said that?" Then the inner vow, "I will never be someone who does not know what is and is not appropriate to say!"
I noticed when I would be at a meeting, someone would walk into the room, and it was apparent they did not know how to dress appropriately for this type of event. My process would start right up. First the question, "do you believe they dressed like that?" Then the inner vow, "I will never be someone who does not know how to dress appropriately!"
Then there were times when I would be out and about doing my thing, I would see someone do something that just impacted me on a very personal level. My process would respond with full force. First the question, "do you believe they acted like that?" Then the inner vow, "I will never be someone who does not know how to act appropriately!"
After a while this seem to happen automatically. I did not even notice most of the time, I just asked myself the questions, and made my inner vows. Then I started developing my standards using the database of inner vows I had collected, and this is where i first noticed that it all had gone very, very wrong.
I wanted to ask a girl out on a date and I couldn't. I was not sure what to say, and I was never going to be the person who did not know what to say.
A friend asked me to go with them to a church function, and I couldn't go, because I did not know how to dress. I was never going to be the person who did not know how to dress appropriately.
I found this great job opportunity and they said I had to call for an interview, and I just couldn't call, because I didn't know beyond a shadow of a doubt the best way to act in the interview. I was never going to be the person who did not know how to act appropriately.
All of the sudden I was a prisoner of my own standards, which I had made as a result of judging other people. I was constantly afraid someone was going to judge me if I did not dress the right way, or say and do the right things. All of the sudden I understood what the Bible meant. Judge not lest you be judged. I judged other people, and wound up judging myself so harshly I couldn't do anything unless I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could master it, or at least put on an above average show.
All I ever wanted was to live a good life, and be a certain type of person. I knew this was reflected in my inner vows, I just did not know that the way I had judged others was the very burden that was weighing me down. All those things “I was never going to be” stopped me from doing what I felt was right, and what I felt was healthy. I noticed that my inner vows and judgements had become my stumbling blocks. So I did what every good Christian would do in this situation. I blamed God. Proverbs 19:3 A man's own foolish acts destroy his life. But his heart is angry with the Lord. See in the world at large people blame their boss, their spouse, the company, or the government. In some Christian circles, we just blame God. I say "some", so that people can have a little hope that there is a group of Christians out there who never blame anyone but themselves regardless of the situation. Even if they get hit by a truck, they say it was their fault for sitting in the living room.
Now blaming God is a type of prayer, since you are talking, and He say's He is always listening. Like all prayer, my blaming God prayers would end with a cry for help. I asked God to help me figure it out what to do. His answer, amazingly enough, was pretty simplistic. Give yourself permission.
So the first thing I did was give myself permission to be the hypocrite described in Proverbs 19:3 and then I started writing out all the inner vows I had made, all the things I was "never going to be." Then I started writing out how I was going to give myself permission to say things that might not be appropriate, but that I knew were right, or necessary. I gave myself permission to ask questions that might not be good questions, but were questions I needed answered. I gave myself permission to dress comfortably, and do things that I knew were right, or necessary.
Life started to get a lot easier. My confidence improved. It became easier to set realistic boundaries, and to enforce those boundaries without having to feel like I was wrong or unreasonable. It became easier to take on things I had not tried before, because I was not afraid of failure, or of what other people thought of me. I was making a bunch of new inner vows. Healthy inner vows. I had permission to do things my way, and to be me.
Does your two step process sound anything like mine?
First the question, "Can you believe they did that?
Second the inner vow "I will never be...."
If you have lived this way, you no doubt have created your own database of inner vows. The solution is a four step process of giving yourself permission to break those hindering inner vows, and create new empowering inner vows.
Step 1: Pray since your praying anyway. Wink. Ask God to show you what areas you need to work on..
1 Peter 5:6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.
Step 2: Write out the areas you are struggling
Step 3: Ask yourself what is the inner vow that you made in regard to this area of your life?
For Example: You find it hard to exercise. You remember that time you said, "I will never be someone who looks stupid exercising." and you give yourself permission "It is ok if I do not exercise perfectly. I will get better as I become more experienced."
Step 4: Continue to do this in every area of your life where you are not getting the results you want to see. You may have made hundreds of little decisions about any given area, or just one decision. You need to give yourself permission to move forward. With time and effort you will set yourself free. Believe it or not the Bible promises that you already have what it takes to do this. Proverbs 14:10 Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.
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